I encounter doubt regularly these days. My biggest doubt: Do I have what it takes to get through this thing and over the obstacles that come with it? Failed procedures, drug-induced diabetes, new drugs that make me ill, another major surgery ahead.
I read the messages so many of you send me. You tell me I have a warrior spirit, strength and courage. I have experienced your wisdom. So I say to myself, "Do they see something I've lost sight of." I consider the possibility that it could be there inside me, whatever I will need to get through.
Another doubt assails me: Will I be able to stay focused here on the CAN in cancer as I pledged to do? I remind myself of two wise women, each named Margaret, each mightily challenged, one by age, the other by cancer. Both meet their challenges by emphasizing what they CAN do. If they struggle against CANNOT, they do so bravely and with grace.
The temptation to get lost in a long whiney wallow is always close at hand. "Jump in," self-pity beckons. "The temperature's just right. Murky and soothing." No mention of the danger in wallowing out too far, in too deep where the darkness pulls us down, rises over our heads, carries us away.
Will I allow myself to be carried away, simply let go and drift off? Or, will I struggle, as the two Margaret's do? I almost believe I can manage the latter. One inch at a time, an impatient soul accepting slow progress.
I remember somebody saying once, "If you can think it, you can do it." I have a curious suspicion that somebody was me.
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4 comments:
There is no crime in a long, whiney wallow. If you go out to far, we are here to pull you back.
Thinking of you.
Alice,
Sometime around 1998 or 1999, at Skidmore, you had to leave a day or so early. You left us a note, a lot of handouts, and a stack of 8 x 10 sheets of paper on which, in large, heavily inked letters, you'd printed:
DO IT ANYWAY!
I don't know about anyone else, but that advice helped me to do my first book, and a lot of other things since. To this day, I carry it in my writing folder.
Now, no matter how hard the push forward to restored health, I know that you have it in you to -
DO IT ANYWAY!
And all of us, in our hearts, will be doing it with you.
Love, Jennie
Alice,
You have been given a heavy load to tote. You are allowed to whine. You can call me and I will bring over soup or tea or something and I will say "uh huh. . .yes . . oh?..(repeat)" Or you can come here and we will do the same. After you have tired of it, you can resume your usual self assurance and get on with your life.
Laura C. (now G.)
I remember somebody saying once, "If you can think it, you can do it." I have a curious suspicion that somebody was me.
And Alice I have a piece of paper taped above my computer that somebody gave me that says: JUST DO IT. And I know that somebody was you. You CAN do it!.
Warm hugs and Blessings,
Donna Yates-Adelman
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